


never gonna let you go

by reaperbites



Category: Sons of Anarchy
Genre: Acceptance, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Chibs is a Dad, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Innuendo, Juice is an emotional Trainwreck, My First Work in This Fandom, Trans juice Ortiz, sorry my dumb sleep deprived trans brain makes us all suffer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-02-10
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:20:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22644013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reaperbites/pseuds/reaperbites
Summary: Juice knew he could only trust one person in the club with his secret. The man who had always been there for him, and treated him just like a son. He had been the father Juice never had. He was Chibs Telford, a hot-headed Scot with a nice sense of humor. Juice told him each one of his deepest, darkest secrets, because Chibs could see right through him. He'd always find out in some way. They had an interesting connection to each other.
Relationships: Juice Ortiz & Chibs Telford
Comments: 8
Kudos: 13





	never gonna let you go

**Author's Note:**

> I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED WATCHING THE SERIES THREE DAYS AGO HOLY HELL (in this house juice never died he just got a therapist n is taking a break 😔👊)
> 
> My sleep deprived trans brain came up with this, and wouldn't stop making me think until I finally wrote it down. The timeline in this may be shot to hell, but hey, I tried. Enjoy! Feel free to send me an ask / DM on Tumblr about your trans!Juice headcanons @ [one-part-angel](https://one-part-angel.tumblr.clm)
> 
> Title: Bad Wolves - Sober

Juice came into the clubhouse one morning with nothing but worry on his mind. He tried to stick to his routine, which was greeting Chuck, Gemma, Clay, and Bobby before going off to a back room to wait for everyone else to arrive. He didn't need others to worry about him.

He went into his usual backroom, and made sure to close and lock the door after he had stepped inside. He walked over to the bed, and sat down on it. He was facing away from the window, where sunlight was filtering in through the blinds. It was warm on his back. It still wasn't enough to diminish his worry, though.

Juice had received some news from his doctor the day before. The doctor explained he could go forward in his transition from female to male, and get phalloplasty, or bottom surgery, which would give him a penis, and relieve his bottom dysphoria a great deal. He just had to have consultations with a few surgeons to see who he liked and trusted, and what his terrible health insurance could cover.

He kept his head in his hands. On one hand, this was excellent. He could finally change in front of the others without worry. He wouldn't have to worry about his packer shifting to make it look like he had an erection. He would be able to walk through life feeling like nothing less than a man. 

On the other hand, this was awful. After surgery, he would be prohibited from riding his motorcycle or even running for months, maybe even a year or more. His body would have to heal, and he would have to build up the muscle in his lower half again. He would be sore for months. He couldn't do anything that would tear anything the doctors had done, or rip stitches. He would be stuck on the sidelines. 

No one in the club knew he was transgender. They all assumed he was a cisgender male as soon as he joined the club, because, fortunately, that's what he looked like. He had had top surgery three years before joining the club, and had been on testosterone since he was 16, as he was emancipated. He had told Tara he was transgender, because he wanted help finding the best doctors to perform any surgeries he would need, and she swore to secrecy. That was it.

Juice knew he could only trust one person in the club with his secret. The man who had always been there for him, and treated him just like a son. He had been the father Juice never had. He was Chibs Telford, a hot-headed Scot with a nice sense of humor. Juice told him each one of his deepest, darkest secrets, because Chibs could see right through him. He'd always find out in some way. They had an interesting connection to each other.

Juice perked up once he concluded this. _I can tell Chibs, and he'll lie about why I'm gone, and everyone will believe him, they trust him._

For the first time in weeks, Juice felt comfortable in his standing with the club. He was sure he'd eventually lose his patch due to his skittishness with a gun, and his excessive sensitivity and empathy for others. He too often put himself in the shoes of those he harmed. He was sure Chibs would use the excuse that a family member had passed, so they would forgive his sensitivity - even though he hadn't seen any of his family members in ten years. He could come back to Samcro a new man.

He looked behind him, out the window, and smiled at the beautiful day he saw before him. The conversation he needed to have would be awkward, but he would be okay. He just had to tell himself it would be okay, and that it would be. He needed to be calm, as if he was a Prospect getting the news that he was being patched in again. He remembered that day vividly; he had never felt so proud of himself in his life. It was even better than the time he passed Algebra I in eighth grade with a 92% percentage, so he could jump ahead to Algebra II in ninth grade.

“It will be okay,” he whispered to himself. He reached into his pocket to grab his phone. He opened the screen, then closed it again so he could see the time. It was a quarter til ten. Chibs would be at the clubhouse soon. He had between now and then to decide what he tell Chibs, and how he would say it. The thought left him shaking like a leaf with nervousness, but he had to do it. The hardest part was over; that was getting accepted to have the surgery.

_I can do this._

-

Juice failed to tell Chibs as soon as he came in that morning, as he had planned. He heard Chibs pestering Chuck and Bobby as a greeting, and Bobby and Chuck's replies of protest. His mind went blank. He could hardly even remember what day it was, especially when Chibs asked where he was.

 _I'm fucked,_ Juice thought to himself.

His heart nearly stopped when he saw Chibs walk into his room. He looked like a deer in headlights, as if Chibs had walked in on him jacking off instead of him trying to find a way to explain he was having a surgery that would actually give him a penis. His face was flushed as if it were the former, too.

“...Did I walk in on something I shouldn't see?” Chibs asked, not a trace of awkwardness in his voice, much to Juice's surprise.

Juice forgot he was supposed to reply until Chibs cocked an eyebrow at him. “Oh- uh- No! Why are you in here anyway?” He gave an apologetic smile, praying Chibs would overlook his clumsy behavior.

“You're a bit slow this morning, you're usually out before me,” Chibs replied. “Just needed to see if you were here.” He smiled at him softly. 

He would never admit it, but he worried about Juice a lot. The boy seemed to have some mental struggles. He was sure the other members suffered with them, too, but Juice wasn't no where near as good at hiding it as the others. There were some weeks when he would have terrible mood swings, or the muscle and fat on his body would shift a little, which Chibs didn't know the reason for. He thought he had seen everything as a military doctor.

“I'm here, and I'm fine,” Juice replied, his smile mimicking Chibs'. “Don't worry.” He knew Chibs worried about him, and he had reason. He could become rather depressed and hard to be around when he couldn't afford his testosterone prescription, which resulted in missing shots.

“The others will be here soon, we should make ourselves known,” Chibs suggested.

“Yeah, just let me grab my kutte,” Juice turned to grab said kutte, and he slid it on over his shoulders, pulling at it a little where it fell on his chest. He stood up from the bed. He gasped as Chibs pulled him into one of his unexpected bear hugs, which wasn't uncommon between the two. Juice felt calm as soon as Chibs's arms were around him.

“Don't tell anyone else this, but I worry about you, Juicy,” Chibs whispered as he patted Juice's upper back. “I love you.”

Juice squeezed him tighter. “You don't have to. I love you, too, Chibs.” He grinned his signature grin as Chibs pecked his cheek, then they pulled away from each other.

Juice felt it in his chest that this would be the time to have their important conversation. There wasn't many there, they were already alone together, and they didn't have church today, that they knew of. There would be no interruptions. 

However, when he went to say something, he couldn't get the words out. His throat closed shut, and his heart rate sped up, telling him he should just keep his mouth shut before he made a fool of himself, or annoyed Chibs. It made him thankful that Chibs had turned away from him and headed out towards the bar. He followed after him, his head hanging low in shame the whole time.

_Way to fuck it up, Ortiz._

-

The hours ticked by impossibly slow. There was nothing to do, no club business to attend to, nothing. There was always nothing to do when something was plaguing Juice's mind. 

He sat away from everyone, at a table in the corner. He turned at look at the chapel. The blinds were open, so he could see Chibs, Bobby, and Tig were inside. That meant they weren't discussing anything of major significance. He sighed in annoyance. _Why is today the day everyone decides to be a pacifist?_

The day wasn't getting any younger. The seconds would only continue to crawl by if Juice didn't get his problems off his chest. He could have to make the first move in this conversation, which was something he hated doing.

He rested his chin on the heel of his hand with another sigh. He couldn't stop thinking or stressing about what he needed to say. His anxiety decided to attack this topic like a cheetah with a gazelle. It wouldn't stop until he became the human that could kill them both. He had to overcome his anxieties.

After a few more moments of thought, Juice stood from his seat. He looked around the room, which was empty, and took a deep breath. _It's now or never,_ he told himself. He crossed the room, and slipped into the chapel. As soon as he entered, Chibs, Bobby, and Tig stopped their conversation to look at him. He didn't know how serious and worried he looked to them, or how they assumed something was terribly wrong with him. He never interrupted people's conversations like this.

His mind nearly went blank again, but just one glance down at his crotch reminded him of the task at hand. He rubbed his arm out of nervousness, and cleared his throat. Anxiety was trying to swallow him again, and tell him he couldn't talk to anyone without messing up. He pushed the thoughts away. _I can do this._

“Chibs, I need to talk to you. Alone,” Juice whispered to the older man. He felt anxiety rise in the pit of his stomach, causing his heart rate to pick up a noticeable amount. He had to remind himself to keep breathing.

Chibs turned to him and nodded, trying his best not to question the worried look that was stuck on the younger man's face. “Of course, Juicy boy.” Chibs turned to Tig and Bobby, and gave them a nod that said they should go. They looked at each other, then back at Chibs and over to Juice, but complied. They pushed their chairs back in as they left the table. Tig patted Juice's back as he left.

Juice gasped at the sudden impact, but quickly recovered. He hadn't realised how "in his head" he had been. He mentally thanked Tig for getting him out. 

“Whatcha just standin' for there? Sit down,” Chibs said, motioning towards the seat next to him. 

Juice nodded slowly, and crossed the room. He sat down in the chair next to Chibs with caution. This conversation would either go well, or it would be a disaster. Considering the way Chibs was, it would go okay. However, Juice had already planned for disaster.

The room was quiet. The fact that it was a sunny day meant there was rain to filter through silence. It would only be an awkward silence until someone finally spoke. 

Juice began to wish he hadn't said anything. He could've just disappeared for a few weeks - or months - and come back with some half-assed excuse, which Chibs would see right through. They would still have this conversation. No matter what. There was no way out. _He sees right through me._

Juice took a deep breath and opened his mouth to say something, but backed out immediately. _I'm not ready, I'm not ready, I'm not ready,_ Juice thought. _He'll tell Jax, Jax will get pissed. He'll ask why the hell a girl is in Clay's club as a biker rather than an old lady. Fuck, I'm doomed._

“Take your time,” Chibs stated. He leaned forward in order to read Juice's eyes and expression better. He looked focused, but also scared. Chibs tried his best not to sigh. He was growing tired of the silence, and truly annoyed with Juice, but he needed to give him time. He knew Juice tried to keep himself closed off and reserved from everyone else. He was the only one Juice would let down his walls for. “I'm here for you, brother, through everything,” Chibs made sure to add.

Juice looked over at Chibs. He saw genuine care and love in his eyes and expression. It caused a small smile to creep up on his face. “Everything?” he asked. Even finding out one of your brothers of six years was actually born female?

“Absolutely.” Chibs reached across the space between him and Juice, and placed a hand over Juice's. He could feel Juice trembling ever so slightly. “It's okay, Juicy, whenever you're ready.” _What the hell could be bothering him this much?_ Chibs glanced behind himself and Juice, and saw the blinds were wide open. It could easily seem like a love confession between the two of them.

“I'll be right back,” Chibs said as he stood. He walked over and let the blinds down, then closed them. It dimmed the room slightly, but it was still well-lit, thanks to the room that gave them a view to the parking lot and street outside. Chibs turned back to the table, and was back to his seat in seconds. He didn't say anything as he sat down. Perhaps his verbal reassurances weren't working after all.

Juice felt more comfortable now that the blinds were closed, even though not many people were at the bar in the first place. Those few people were Bobby, Tig, and Happy. Juice trusted Happy not to say anything - although he was certain Happy could read lips to some degree - but he knew Bobby and Tig would tease him about it for days, especially after they saw Chibs close the blinds. Everyone knew only one of two things went down when two people were talking in the chapel and the blinds were suddenly closed: sex, or a not-so-secret fist fight. Usually sex.

Juice sat up straighter in his chair. He looked over at Chibs, who still looked concerned, but some of his annoyance had slipped through the cracks now, making him look like a dog who had to watch the neighborhood cat just walk by as they were trapped behind a sliding glass door. He cleared his throat and took another deep breath. _Just breathe, Juicy, you can do this._

“Chibs, uh... I need to go away for a bit to, er, have a... Surgery,” he began. “It's very invasive.” The mood seemed to shift in the room. The air gained some tension to it. Juice could feel his cheeks already heating up slightly with embarrassment. _Please, God, kill me now._ He stiffened in his seat as he thought about the weird turn this conversation could take. It wasn't a turn he wanted to take with the man he saw as a father.

“Can't be as bad as Sack's ball transplant,” Chibs snickered, fighting back his laughter. He hoped to lighten the mood a bit.

“It's a little something like that, actually.”

Chibs cocked in eyebrow in confusion, and did his best to hide his smirk. “Oh, so you're also a 'one nut wonder'?” he asked. “Where the hell do we get all of you.”

Juice forced a laugh. _If only he knew._ “Uh, no, but...” He didn't know how to say it. He had never said the words "I'm transgender" to someone before. He had always been taught those were dirty words. He always said "my name is Juice and I use he/him pronouns and other masculine terms" when he had to come out to others as a teen. Now, fortunately, he passed as a cis male.

Chibs took Juice's hesitance as bad. _He has terrible news?_ His heart nearly stopped; the pessimist in him was screaming. “You- You don't have cancer, do you? Get an STD from a Crow Eater?”

“No!” Juice exclaimed. “God, no, it's just, uh... Do you know anything about trans people?” He bit his lip softly, waiting for Chibs' reply. Even though it was only a second, it seemed like it lasted an eternity. 

“The bare minimum,” Chibs replied in a confused tone. His expression matched his tone perfectly. _Why would Juice be asking this?_ “Born the opposite sex, transition to the other. Why?”

Juice's breath was caught in his throat. He knew he had to say the words. He'd have to say the words for the first time since he came out to his mom many years ago, which lead him to being kicked out the same night. He took a deep breath, and closed his eyes. _Here goes nothing._

“I'm transgender.”

Chibs' eyes widened with shock; he couldn't utter a word. He could hardly believe Juice as he looked at him, listened to him. Juice had everything every other guy had: a deep voice, basic muscle structure, sharp jawline, facial hair. “What?” he whispered.

Juice's heart lurched at Chibs' reaction. It wasn't inherently bad, but it was overwhelming. He could see it in Chibs' eyes that he didn't believe him. “It's true, Chibs. I'm trans, just like Venus,” he said nervously. “Except female to male, rather than male to female.” He could feel himself trembling again as his heart raced. He wished it was out of overwhelming infatuation instead of anxiety. He looked down at the table, and ran his finger over some of the dents and scratches in it from years of abuse. He couldn't look at Chibs' eyes right now.

“Female to male...” Chibs mused. He had heard of it before, with Cher's son, Chaz, but he had never seen witnesses it personally. He was ignorant to the subject, so he saw it as a phenomenon. He had never seen Juice as anything other than a cisgender male. He had never seen him naked, either, like he had with all the other guys, but he figured Juice was just shy. 

Then, he remembered an instance where Juice took his shirt off in front of some of the other guys. He had seen some faint scars underneath his pecs. They curved up just like his facial scars, but he couldn't remember Juice ever telling them about an epic fight he was in. Juice was questioned about it, and he quickly replied he was in a knife fight while he still lived in Queens, and he didn't want to go into detail. The club knew he was sensitive to things like that, so he wasn't questioned further, and went along with his day - after he put another shirt on, of course. Chibs gasped as realization hit him like a train.

“You're not mad, are you?” Juice asked in a small voice. He felt tears burning his eyes. He could never learn to bury his emotions deep down like most other guys. Chibs' silence made him nervous. He could feel himself on the verge of an anxiety attack. A buzzing had formed in the back of his mind, and his chest felt heavy, like an immovable weight was sitting on it.

Chibs shook his head, “Of course not! It's just different.” He reached across the table and placed his hand over Juice's once again, feeling reassurance when he didn't flinch away from him. “I love you, Juicy. You're my brother, no matter what. Not even this will change that.”

Juice sniffled as a smile creeped up on his face. He looked over at Chibs, who had a genuine smile on his face. Waves of reassurance and acceptance were washing over Juice; it was overwhelming. He chuckled, and wiped his nose with his hand. “I'm sorry,” he said, shaking his head. “I just- haven't been accepted at saying those words, ever.” He didn't want to bore Chibs with his sob story, so he smiled again. It made him feel better.

“Come here,” Chibs said as he stood. 

Juice stood up, too, and approached him. Chibs opened his arms, and Juice went into them without hesitation. Chibs hugged Juice tightly and patted his back. Juice nuzzled Chibs' chest gently, then rested his head on his shoulder. He always felt safer in Chibs' arms, as if Chibs were his father. “I love you, son,” Chibs said.

Juice bit back a sob. He called me son. “I love you, too,” he replied. He squeezed Chibs a little tighter. _He accepts me, he still loves me. It's okay._

Chibs patted Juice's back one more time before they separated. “Now, what about that 'invasive surgery'?” he asked.

“Oh, that,” Juice wiped away the last of his tears, and backed up a few steps away from Chibs, so he was standing diagonally from him. He cleared his throat awkwardly as he looked up at Chibs. “It's, uh, some kind of bottom surgery... called phalloplasty. It'll prevent me from riding for awhile...” His gaze fell back to the ground as he bit the inside of his cheek. He shifted his weight from foot to foot; he could feel the back of his neck heating up in embarrassment. _This is not something I thought I'd ever discuss with him._

“So they're giving you a dick, aye?” Chibs stepped closer to Juice to elbow his side as he smirked. He didn't notice Juice's face grow even more red from embarrassment. 

Juice nodded. “And butchering my forearm.” He bit his lip as he internally _begged_ that Chibs wouldn't make this anymore awkward than it already was.

Chibs clapped him on the back with a chuckle. “Congratulations, son. Your secret is safe with me,” he said. He winked at him, which caused him to smile.

“Thank you, Chibs,” Juice replied. He felt like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. He could stand taller, walk with more confidence. He didn't have to worry about the club thinking he bailed or ran to cops. Chibs could come up with a believable excuse that would put everyone at ease. Everyone loved him.

Before the two could say anything more to each other, there was a pounding on the door, along with obnoxious laughter. “Come on out, you two, it can't take Chibs that long to finish!” Tig shouted from the other side of the door. “I don't hear much noise!”

Chibs turned to the door. “Oi, I never interrupt you when you've gone to bed with someone, telling you to hurry up. Fuck off!” he replied. It only caused more laughter to erupt from the other side of the door. It was obvious that Bobby and Tig were buzzed.

Chibs turned back to Juice, and clapped him on the shoulder. “Well, we should get out there, they've had their fun.”

“Yeah, you're right,” Juice replied. He pulled Chibs into a hug, feeling safety come over him when Chibs hugged him back in a tight squeeze. When they pulled apart from each other, Chibs pecked his cheek gently. “Thank you again, Chibs, so much. I love you,” Juice added.

“I love you, too, brother,” Chibs replied. “You take care of yourself, aye? Tell me when you go for the surgery, and I'll talk to the club. I'll help you during recovery, too, if needed...”

Juice's eyes lit up in pure joy. _Oh my God._ “Really?”

“Of course,” Chibs replied matter-of-factly. “You should think more positively, son. It'll help a great deal.” He turned away from Juice to exit the room.

With that, Juice nodded, and let Chibs walk out before him. _Mama Chibs,_ he thought with a smile brighter than the sun. The happiness he felt was overwhelming. He felt like shouting from the rooftop, going on a ride and letting himself breathe in the fresh air without feeling strangled, or weighed down by secrets and worry. He was the luckiest man alive. He had a fantastic friend like Chibs, who was more like a father to him, and a family who would be there for him after his surgery. 

He would never be abandoned or outcast again.


End file.
